a world so fragile

2003-11-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

Awful

Crawling through these dark halls
Walls created from scenes of life
Haunting images rake the walls
and moans of slashing words
Burn in the air

I'm standing on a stage
where the entertainment doesnt change
where the audience laughs and points
At everything i do wrong
While telling me that they'll be here for me
Before turning around in thier seats
to morph into a hypocrit

So I stand in this weak pathetic spot light
Screaming, yelling and crying about how
VERY SORRY I AM, HOW SORRY, HOW SORRY!
How i can't make this better, i can't fix myself
and thats all you want me to do
But thats the one thing i can't do
Make me feel beautiful, make me feel loved
Because i dont, i never do
I'm too needy, its not enough

Are these doors ever going to open?
Or are they all locked?
This hallway goes on forever it seems
I can't break away, I can't get out
And theres my shining light
I can see at the end
My everything, my love
My reason for why I wake up each day
But I think i'll taint that too
I'll ruin everything perfect we have
I break it, I'll tear it apart, dont let me
Dont let me ruin us, dont let me break us

Set this darkened hallway of hell be burned
spare not my life, in hopes no one else is trapped
No one should feel this, as it gets worse everyday
No one should hate what they see in the mirror
how I do. No one should love me like you do
I can't figure out why, I dont really see why
But I thank everything up there
that I have you, you have me
Because you are the best thing to ever happen
You hold all the beauty in life that I see

Crawling through this corridor
seeing is no longer a simple task
Its hard to grasp between sadness and insanity
This floor is so tough to grip
My eyes are so heavy to open each day
With this already fortold horror of an image
awaiting me.

2003-09-27T23:48:00.000-04:00
And..

Do you even know
Sometimes you're so naive
I'm not gonna tell you
Why I got offline early
Because i was being stabbed
With knives of jealously
I guess it isnt obvious to you
That i'm thinking
and feeling this way
But sometimes i wonder
If you really do notice
You just like to see it
Jealousy in my tone
and in everything i say
Do you like it when i want to die
Because she could take you away
Do you like the fact i worry
You wont always want me
That i worry that one day
You'll realize, i'm not as great
As you seem to think i am
But i'm just gonna go now
and you wont seem to catch on
that i want to burn myself alive
when you talk about her
And all the fun you two had
How she made you laugh
and the way she fixed her hair
and i'm still hearing the things
that you don't even say
about how pretty she looked
and you liked her jokes
and how i'm not really around
and i'm out of the way
and she was just there tonight
and everything was alright
so i'll just burn in my jealous blaze
and pretend to ignore
and not be the jealous girlfriend
i know i shouldn't be
but for now, i'm leaving early
and you wont catch on
or maybe you don't want to
i think you just dont want to

2003-09-26T23:07:00.000-04:00
This is just a rant that was inside my head i had to get out:

I'm sitting here
Remembering
I was so lost on you
So caught up in you
I couldn't live without you
And at the same time
You were killing me
And through weeks
And months
And days and hours
Covered in a thousand
What ifs, could have beens
and maybes
I thought and I hoped
I cried and I failed
I wondered and I dreamed
That you would realize
You were the one for me
You would come back to me
You'd say you were sorry
You'd realize I did care
You see it wasnt my fault
Though I even thought it was
But now, I'm with someone else
Though I never thought i'd do it
But they let me see
That love isnt pain
Love isnt tears
I'm happier now
Than i ever was with you
And i've caught myself wondering
As i've heard news of your regret
Even though i'm not sure its true
It still had to deal wtih you
though i cut you from my life long ago
I can't help but wonder
if maybe you changed back
to the person i knew
the person i thought i loved
that never loved me, but said they did
I knew it was lies.
But i know i have thought
"Would i turn back now"
"would i run into his arms"
and the more i think
adn the more i wonder
the more i think of my love
the love i have now
my REAL love
and the more i think of going back
running back to you
if i ever had the chance
the thought makes me want
to climb furtherly into his arms
away from you
I never want to see you
be near you, hear you
feel you, deal with you
or know you
again.
I'm in love for real now
You cant take it away
all you did was show me
what love isnt supposed to be
what love should never be
and though its months later
and i'm sure you've not though once of me
Hoping i was dead
I still had happy thoughts towards you
till now
I know you're fake
I know you're nothing
You use people, your egotistical
You never loved me, you lied
you loved it when I'd cry
You sick bastard.
I'm in love, I'm in LOVE
and you can't take it away
he's perfect
and you
are just
a piece of nothing
underneath my broken
worn out shoes
that never even loved you
in the first place.

2003-09-17T19:37:00.000-04:00
Miss the Most

Of all things I've lost
I dont miss my mind the most
I believe the thing I miss the most
Is us laying on my squeaky one person bed
Laughing at our bruises
And smiling at some plastic stars
We found so comforting
Just one summer ago
Doesnt seem so long ago
But yet again, it feels
Like I'm living in eons.

Annie 7:38pm 9/17

2003-08-10T22:06:00.000-04:00
Begging to Question

Why am I lost?
I, who helps others
Helps others find thier ways
Who gives advice and knowledge
Why can I save myself?
When I'm so able to save others
Tell me, why am I lost?

Why do I lose everyone?
After I cut off my hands trying
To hold onto them
To keep them near
Why do they always leave me?
When keeping them is so vital
Tell me, why do I lose them all?

Why dont you see me God?
If you are up there, why won't you tell me
Why do you leave me here wondering?
Watching me falter in my paths
Leading me to damnation
Why can't you give me peace
Why dont you see this pain?
Tell me why God, why dont you see me?

Why don't they hear me?
Hear me trying to scream to them
To yell some sense to them
I'm left mournfully singing
In a hopeless, mute world
Why can't they hear me
When its so vital they do
Tell me why, why don't they hear me?

But tell me
Why am I lost?
Why do I lose everyone?
Why don't you see me God?
Why don't they hear me?
Why can't I be answered?
Why am I crying here again?
Fighting to heal these questions
Why am I still trying?
Yes please tell me
Why am I still trying?

2003-08-10T21:55:00.000-04:00
Go away

When I think your gone
You come back again
You plague my thoughts
You torture my existance
If only you hadn't let me go
Tieing me to you
You hatred burns
every moment of love
you ever breathed for me

The very thought of you
makes me wilt
To speak of you brings tears
that sting my eyes
as thought I'm crying blades
that leaves scars
Only I can feel

What makes you come back
Is it my own self-mutilating mind?
Perhaps you send your soul
to silently murder mine
While I wish for you only happiness
Tell me where I went wrong
Please, just leave me alone
Go away

2003-08-02T22:59:00.000-04:00
Little Eyes, Little Hands

Little eyes, and little hands
Wishing to match yours
So big, so smart, so lived
A little mind, almost like clay
Impressionable and soft
Beholding and loving
An immortal picture of you

To those little eyes, your banners flew
Your flags never fell down,
You never lost a battle
To that little one
There was no wrong you could do
You were perfect
Why couldn't she be the same?
She wanted to be the same

But one day
Those little eyes
Watched you drive away
And those little hands
Smudged the car window
As they pressed on the glass
Wishing to grab onto that bus
They knew was taking you away
But you said you'd be back
And her little soft mind believed you

Now its years later
Her hands aren't so small
Her mind not so soft
And her immortal picture of you
Has faded, to a unreconizable guess of time
And she cant barely remember
what color your flags and banners were
That now seem to have fallen

She beleived you, that you'd be back
But she'd also heard the stories
Of how that substance got a hold of you
How you've altered the image of you
With a kick you needed every now and then
That grew to everyday
And its that little nothing in your life
That kept you away
What couldn't you face?

But somewhere deep down inside
Theres still those little hands and eyes
Looking out that window
Sweaty hands pressed to the glass
Wishing that her idol would turn around
That she hadn't let her down
That you hadnt let yourself down
Wishing, that the one she beheld the most
And smashed her hopes down most
Would drop that evil bottle
And maybe come home
Just maybe

You could have turned that car around
Instead of saying You'd be back
Couldn't you come home one day
Tell her that you loved her
Even though you were gone away

What couldn't you face
Was it those little eyes you saw last
In your rearview mirror, begging you back
Or will it be, looking into those little eyes
That are now grown into a little woman
And that little mind, now not so soft
Full of memories you missed
Just because you were so embaressed
Because you knew, that one phone call a year
Didn't brighten you in her eyes
It only let her down
When all you had to do, was show her you were real
To make her still hold onto you
With everything she had
Even if she could only do it
With little eyes and little hands.

2003-07-27T20:26:00.000-04:00
Oh look, a lovely crap story...lol.

2003-07-27T20:24:00.000-04:00
She stood tall and silent on the bridge; her dark shoulder length hair was blowing in the cool evening breeze. Twilight was falling and the stars peeked out just above the horizon where a thin stretch of light still clung to the sky. She gazed out off the large bridge she was standing on, ignoring the two-lane highway that roared a few feet behind her, holding cars full of people anxious to get home to their families. Letting go of a sigh she leaned out over the cement sides of the structure and looked underneath. A one-lane road wound itself quaintly under the bridge and into the hills a couple hundred feet below her. As she peered down she hoisted a leg onto the cement and pulled herself up into a sitting position on top of it. Her feet hung down restlessly over the side and she gave her hair a flip and gazed into the distance.
A million feelings were running through her head and she was losing her mind even beginning to attempt to sort them all out. Though she soon managed to focus on one thought in particular that had been reoccurring most recently. It was a series of events that just seemed to smash into one huge, horrible feeling.
She was remembering Logan, with his short light brown hair and intense green eyes. He was skinny and not extremely tall but he was an amazing actor and human that just seemed different from the others. She thought of all the times they had together and all the laughs they had shared. Their first kiss rung out in her mind so loud she thought it was going to explode, her happiness then was so intense she could still almost grasp a hold of a little of it, even through her current state of despair.
They had been cold and freezing, smashed onto a park bench shivering. They were going into a joking argument of being cold and before she knew it, he was leaning in and their argument quieted as his lips met hers.
She whipped her head down in anger, remembering the moment and how perfect it was, realizing how much she loathed it because she loved it so much. She’d always hold onto that memory and she knew it, and everyone time it crossed her mind it seemed to rip a piece of her heart out just like all the other thoughts.
Her memory scanned through all the events there after but her mind paused at one of the last few happy memories she had of her dear Logan. They were lying in the grass in the park, under a huge oak tree. The shade fell over them and it helped them to escape the hot day that was surrounding them. Her head was rested on his chest as he played with her hair, both of them gazing into the sky. The two weeks before hand had been emotionally ravaging and this calm understood silence was heaven compared to the weeks of tears, shouting and frustration they had been going through in their late night phone conversations.
“I missed this,” she whispered as she adjusted her head to look up at him. He sighed and looked down at her with his bright amazing eyes and a small smile.
“Me too,” he replied, laying his head back down. She was so excited then, thinking of how it was all going to be okay, how nothing could possibly be wrong now. She skipped through some of that day to the very end, as they sat in the theater where Logan’s mom worked, waiting for her to take him home. They walked up on stage to turn out the lights and after he turned them out, she reached out to find him or even just his hand. But as they found each other, they wrapped up into another kiss that seemed to heal every torment that could have formed in her mind. How was she to know it would be their last and final kiss.
Her big dark eyes began to fill with stinging tears as her mind traveled on through the series of events she was stuck on. She reached up and wiped them away, angry with herself. She lost her balance on the bridge for a few seconds, but caught it again quickly. Soon she let her mind slip back into another painful reverie…
It was two days later; she was talking to him on the computer, her least favorite way of conversation. It was too painful for her to think of the details now. All she mainly remembered was him telling her that he didn’t love her like she thought he had but two days before and that they should really not be together anymore. Shortly after she fell to the floor and curled up into a shaking ball of tears. The one thing that kept her living was just torn away from her as violently as it ever could have been.
The sun was fading now, there was barely any hint that day had happened at all and the stars were beginning to shine as bright as diamonds in the beautifully night painted sky. Tears were streaming down her face. Her last thoughts were only a beginning to her pain, to all the thoughts of how her friends had now left her and her family barely noticed her. She seemed to just be a floating enigma of injured and tormented feelings that no one cared to deal with any longer. She tried so hard, for so long to show everyone in her life some sort of love, but every time she did, they just turned away, hurt her, or abandoned her. Holding on seemed pointless anymore.
She nodded as if someone had said something, but really only agreeing with herself. Holding on was pointless anymore, she thought. Holding onto these feelings, onto this hope and … she glanced down, onto this bridge. A fierce and painful idea stormed through her brain and as it sunk its dark claws into the depths of her mind, her hands seemed to loosen their grip on the cement of the bridge.
She smiled a small, rueful smile. Logan had told her once that, even if a person he hated or just talked to for a few minutes had died, he would be devastated just because they touched his life somehow, even if only for five minutes. He would hate that he lost them and would feel a great loss. Her mind couldn’t help but celebrate the idea that if someone he used to say he loved died tragically from falling from this bridge he might realize how much she meant to him. How he really didn’t wish for her to be out of his life like he so cruelly declared but a few days ago. Maybe her “friends” would care too and her family would notice her if the cops called and told them of her demise. It all seemed to fit…
But suddenly a realization hit her so hard, that had it been solid, could have knocked her clear off the bridge. What if he didn’t care if she was gone? What if his love had died so quickly it ended up birthed into hate? She also thought of how, even if it did impact him, how was she to know? She’d be lost to death only hoping, just as she was now. Though there hardly seemed to be a difference between the two to her anymore.
She peered up at all the twinkling, shining stars in the sky. She’d always loved the stars and could never get over their simple and intense beauty. She sighed and let a smile slip onto her face, maybe, she thought, just maybe, it could be okay. Maybe she wanted to go on, to see another day and to hold onto her hope. She’d still live to see him smile and hear his laugh, even though he no longer acknowledged her existence, though to most that seemed a most incomprehensible idea. But, slowly she swung a leg back over to the solid side of the bridge and began to turn around to plant her other foot back onto the road. She wanted to go home and give her mother a hug, and pull out her pictures of her friends and put them back up, she was going to let things be okay.
Then, suddenly as she was twisting herself around to get back to her safe grounds, her left hand that she was gripping on with, slipped and so did her remaining foot. She screamed as her entire body slid off of the cement of the bridge and she felt the rush of the night air around her.
She almost screamed again, but before that, a cold, razor edged thought danced through her mind.
“It was probably going to end this way anyway,” she whispered, and she let herself fly.

2003-07-19T23:04:00.000-04:00
You've showed me, Friends are never Forever

everything has turned quiet
an incomprehendible noise
everything is coming from inside
exactly where no one bothers to look
from where no ones seems care anymore

i was still believing old lies
when best friends used to say
"i'm always going to be there"
and in times, so emotionally unstable
is exactly when they start not to care
when they push you away

this emptyness is growing
another pushed over edge
the helplessness is taking control
seething inside of my head
incapable of being heard
ignored until perished

closing into myself
nurturing this silence
the silence that has broke my hearing
and left everything so unjust
ruining all I thought I had
Teaching me mistrust

2003-07-19T19:29:00.000-04:00
My newest poetic movement is:

A big:

FUCK YOU!

To a certain individual.

*smiles innocently*

-Fin-

2003-07-17T22:36:00.000-04:00
Sorry everyone.....(or one person, if that) that even reads this.......this writer has gone completely blocked. No new stuff coming out of this dull brain...maybe later....hahaha....

2003-07-13T22:51:00.000-04:00
Thank god your leaving

The wood and steal have fallen
Our pathes have been erased
The stage now stands empty
Quietly forgetting the play

As it's recollection fades
So does mine for you
And I don't remember
Everything on that stage
That had to do with you
Because frankly
I dont really care anymore

We avoided each other
Under the stage, between scenes
I was thouroghly surprised
When at one party, you shared the circle
That the poison of me, was in

I'm not going to hide, I'll clearly admit
That i was watching the clock
Counting every minute
Until I knew I wouldn't see you again
Because the tension you bring
That atmosphere of hate
Was begining to get annoying
A little much for me to take
And your ego is swollen
Pushing everything else around you
Out of the way, to occupy it

I wouldn't mind being friends
Or possibly seeing you again
If I knew you'd go back, to how I know you could be
Instead of the asshole
That you've grown into
That you live through near me
But I've never been so happy
I cant really remember
But I know that I'm dancing
Because I know I wont see you
Until at least decemeber

I vacummed and you tore down
The set had fallen today
Our friendship that could have been
Sailed out the door
And I smiled and realized
I dont care anymore.

2003-06-27T23:07:00.000-04:00
Are you happy?

Here sits your last mission
Conquered and disposed of
Your expecting me to still pine over
What I thought was so spectacular
I know how you absolultly adore
All this attention your pretending
Pretending to ignore

So what will you do
When you discover
That I'm so over you
And you thought that leaving me
That disowning me and all
Would get me to give you
More attention, more energy wasted
Pardon my laughing dear
But I'm not stupid, nor too naive
At least not as much
As you seem to hope and think i am

I do bid you good life
Hope all goes well for you
Though you claim not to hate me
But cannot spare a hello
Why should I spare a feeling
To a selfish, arogant cause
That does nothing but take and refuse

I'm not some small minded little girl
Not a feeble minded child
I can see you cant be good for me
So why dent my health so harshly
Why cry a tear for you
When if I died, you'd be nowhere close
To doing anything less than smiling
At my funeral

So dearest, dearest you
I know you'll never miss me
You laugh at my whole being
You'd spit at my feet if you could
But can you look into my eyes
The one you hate so dearly now
And tell me that your happy
Look at me and tell me
Are you happy with life
And does it bother you to see
That i'm okay, perfectly fine
Without you
This is what you wanted
Are you happy?

2003-06-24T02:02:00.000-04:00
Stupid You

I'd like to give a toast
To the world
And all its faults
That swallowed me whole
And took away my life
I hate you

Here's a twisted point of view
I do really want to see myself through
Gone, and perished
Quieted forever, a nothing to now
But you cant have that satisfaction
If only you knew
You were the one holding the string
Thats kept me alive at all
You bastard.

Stop faking your smiles
Dont look at me tonight
Dont throw me glances
if you wont back them up
Dont give me those blinks
if you cant follow through
Dont even MUTTER the words
I love you, because I'll just say
a great big
Fuck you.

And you dont care that i'm dying
Wasting away, twisting away
into nothing
You're taking it all
Using it as power
I'm so vulnerable
And you love it
So take it all
and Shove it
You prick.

I'm running into phases
I'm reeling into places
I didnt even knew existed
Until you lit them
With those gorgeous eyes you have
That sometimes I just want to dig out
With a fork or blunt object
Just because you lie, with every look
And I cant take it anymore
Stop bleeding onto me
You never cared when I bled
Fuck off.

And you'll never care
You'll never even wonder
if hey, she's making life okay
While i sit here and worry
if you dont smile at all
Isnt that just pleasant
A nice little ironic twist
You fucking asshole.

And the 3 ugliest words
That I've ever heard
Were none the less than
I (dont) love (especially) you
I read between the lines
Or inbetween the words
The letteres, the pencil spaces
And I realized how twisted
You really are
I hate you..

2003-06-24T01:43:00.000-04:00
Dear Self

Dear self
I'm just writing to tell you
How much I still hate you
And how much its obvious
You've messed this one up

Dear You
I'm writing to tell you
How much I still love you
And how much I just hate you
for not caring at all

Dear Self Image
I'm writing to tell you
How twisted you are
And how you make me hate you
More with every pringle
You wont eat
Because you'll get
much to fat
for him

Dear World
I'm writing to tell you
I'm never writing you again
Because you've shut me out
And I shot down your mailbox
So you wont get this anyway
But I'll only laugh at you
And your self caused loss

Dear readers
I'm writing to tell you
I know this may offend you
But I really dont give a damn
If I cared what you really thought
I wouldnt write it all
in the first place
Now would I

Dear Thoughts
I'm not even writing
I'll just go straigt to screaming
ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU DRIVE ME INSANE
AND I CANT HANDLE ANOTHER MOMENT WITH YOU
So please, do find the door
And exit through my ears
They're the only thing
that could maybe take it

Dear You
I'm writing you again
I couldnt tell you last time
How much I loved you
How much I hated you
This time isnt looking better
But your mailbox is safe
But your heart isnt
You ate mine for brunch
Because you were too above breakfast
And didnt have time for lunch
And dinner just couldnt be scheduled

Dear Self
Im writing to tell you
after all of these letters
I've realized that I really
Dont hate you so much
I despise you, I loathe you
I'd kill you, I'd mangle you
But suicides a crime
And I dont have the time
To clean up that mess.

2003-06-21T22:45:00.000-04:00
I tried, I tripped, I failed

A lady always knows when to leave
But I'm walking on dancers feet
Bandaged and bleeding falling apart
I'm limping my way out of this
Screaming along with my heart

Lately I've been trying so hard to leave
Been trying to let go of this
To let go of us, but then again I cant
When I see you lying there
On that bench, alone, so sad
I'll let my soul search forever
As long as I knew it'd find you

I know I'm so pathetic
But what did you expect
I know I'm nothing you thought I was
I've failed in every aspect
I tried, I tripped, I failed
The clash echoed through us both

I was on my knees begging that night
Ask anyone around me
My hands clasped, my eyes pleading
whispering "please dont let him give up"
But again most prayers are never answered
Just as that one was

I wont let you be alone just yet
I'm holding onto a piece of dental floss
hanging from the mouth of a volcano
But these broken, bandaged feet
Can't really climb so well
So don't be so surprised when this last pain
Causes me to fall

2003-06-21T22:37:00.000-04:00
But forgive me love

You want me to stand tall
But forgive me love
I'm short
You want me to let go
But forgive me love
My hands are tied to it
You want me to forget
But forgive me love
My heart is bound to it
You want me to move on
But forgive me love
I'm trapped here
You want me to leave
But forgive me love
I love you

2003-06-20T01:17:00.000-04:00
So True

Collapsed on the floor
Curled into a ball
Realization stings
When you finally figure out
That no ones going to call
Or try to even save you
And thats just how it is

It may hurt slightly
But does that really matter
Compared to what your heart
Just dealt with in 3 weeks
So whats a little more pain
Going ot matter when it can just
Take the big lot of it away

But before anything happens
You stutter, you wonder
Would things be different
Could someone care
But then its all clear
And you fully know
That no matter how hard
You look at that phone
No ones going to bother
To even call.

2003-06-20T01:14:00.000-04:00
The Last Thing

It seems as though now
You dont care anymore
You dont want to try anymore
Should I let go or say something
I'll just be more vulnerable

I'm so scared
Everyone knows I'm fearless
Except when it comes to this
I've never been so scared
Never been so nervous
Never missed anyone so much
While sitting right beside them
Its torture

Don't you have anything to say
Thats not provocitive
Not thats going to make us fight
Do you even want us
to be alright?
Sometimes its hard to tell
Other times its
Impossible

I'm staring at the cieling again
Drowning in an ocean of
"could have beens" and
"should have saids" and
"why didnt I's" because
in the wage of war in my head
they're the ones that won
They're out to destroy me
But sometimes I wonder
if you are too

We're both so miserable
theres got to be an answer
You must not care anymore
that I see or I feel
Sometimes I wonder
If you even realize I'm real
do you ever remember us
Or is that all gone for you
Just something
You've brushed off your shoulder
I should have known

Are you pushing me away
tryign to forget
Could this possibly be plaguing you
As I know its plagued me
Theres an answer
If only you would look
But through your mean, painful and hurtful remarks
Is there the person that i once knew
Or am I just a noone to you
The one thing I never thought
I'd ever really be.

2003-06-16T23:15:00.000-04:00
Well, at first I couldnt stand writing something over the poem "I'm not going to tell you" Because that was all I was feeling, and i liked that poem so much that I couldnt write anything over it. But a few minutes ago I got such an intense feeling of something that I had to write. I had to get it out. So viola! There it is...

2003-06-16T23:11:00.000-04:00
This Moment
Here it is, reeling
Its a tidal wave
A tsunami
Its crashing into the shores
Also known as my feelings
my heart is exploding
A mind gone numb
Whenever I think of you
And remember we're done

I'll have flashes
little glances at life
At happiness for awhile
Where I can smile
And I can say
Head up girl
You don't need him today
Not tomorrow, not yesterday
Its all in the clear
Then I'll find myself
Dreaming again
Wishing I was your wife
And the one that you wanted
Hoping that soon again
I'll be everything you loved
Instead of nothing
but another soul
walking through the door

And at moments like this
HOW I WANT TO SCREAM
I was fine 10 minutes ago
I was 15, i was FREE
How I wish I could let go
And I know you want me to
I know I'm annoying
Though you dont know my feelings
But still if you found out
You'd probably just want me
Out of your life
Even more

So while I'm reeling
Spinning and screaming
I'll try to forget you
The cause of this whirl ride
And its heart tearing games
I'll try to forget you
Though at this moment
You're all that I know
Cuz i'm falling
and dying
spinning and falling
loving and losing
to no where at all.

2003-06-13T15:40:00.000-04:00
I'm not going to tell you

I'm not going to
tell you how I do
Miss you so. I couldn't
let myself let you
have that much power
Over me.

Too bad I still want
to marry you and have
little minature look alikes
of you. I still want to
travel the world with
you. I want to make you
coffee in the mornings
even though I know
that you hate coffee. I
know you'd never drink it
But its the principle
of the thing.

I want to talk to
you like theres no
tomorrow. When I
heard tornado sirens
I wanted you to
hold my hand. I'll
admit how scared
I was. But only
to you.

You probably have
no idea on any of
this. And if you did
and If you cared I'd be
thoroughly surprised.
But I'm not really
thinking you'll ever
really know. If things
stay how they are.
Please
Dont let things stay
the way they are.

I cant tell you
any of this. I've
spent 30 hours with
you and we havent
shared a word. Its
torture. We've shared
glances that get
cut as soon as they're
matched. You have
such pretty eyes
I miss seeing love
in them. They seemed
to shine brightest
then. I shined my
brightest then.

I'm trapped here
in my mind. I'm
left to myself to
think and remember
and cant help but
wonder if you ever
remember too. If
you ever think of
this too. Does it
make you sad or
do you miss me. I
know I miss you.
But I'm not going
to tell you.

2003-06-11T23:49:00.000-04:00
That thing, below there, the Alone item, isnt a poem...I don't know what to call it I suppose. It helped get feelings out though. Wrote it as I lay on the floor of the Academy theater, thinking too much.

2003-06-11T23:43:00.000-04:00
Alone

I've never missed someone so much. It's so hard to know they don't miss me back. But slowly, yet surely, I'm going to get over him, it's already started, so I'll be okay.
But does he ever think of me? Doesnt' that eye doctor sign across from McDonalds remind him of me? When he recieves two pennies from a cashier, does he remember how I laughed and why? Does he ever wish we had Narnia back, or that cold day in March on the park bench?
I know I do.
But, alas, I've already began to stop wishing for those, because I know I'll never have them again. It's not possible. The thing is though, that I can't even hope for future happiness with him. It's hopeless. I felt on top of the world with him. He's still flying high but I've sunk down to an unescapable hell.
Someone save me, I'm alone, but only he can fix that, but he won't and never will.
And I dont blame him.

2003-06-07T12:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday

Another smokey morning
Rain birthed fog draping the land
The breeze is freezing
We're cooped up inside

I'd be a little warmer
If I had you here with me
But I'm 40 miles away
Where I can't be reached

Thinking of only yesterday
Sun was warm, shade was cool
Under the tree where we lay
Couldn't have been a better place

Each rain drop that falls
Reminds me of you
And how happy I am
to hear you say "I love you"

I'd go through the pain again
Just to know I'd have yesterday
A perfect day, with perfect you
Though now I'm stuck, with fog and cold
I have yesterday, I now have you

2003-06-05T07:05:00.000-04:00
Where were you?

Last night
I reached to you
Dear razor
Savior from my pain
Where were you
Sweet Blade
I couldn't find you
I reached to you
Found you not there
Closed my eyes
And let sleep
have me instead.
AB 6/5/3

2003-06-05T06:48:00.000-04:00
Because of you

I'm tired
And its because of you
I'm worn down
And its because of you
I'm lonely, and forgotten
All by you
I'm not good enough anymore
And its because of you.
AB

2003-06-04T21:56:00.000-04:00
Can I Hold On

She'll take you
Before I even have the chance
To even hold you
See you, or talk to you
Theres a canyon now
Inbetween where our
I love you's
Used to lay

How much longer
Can I hold on
My fingers are slipping
More and more
Everyday

Quietly I'll leave you
Your busy, shan't disturb you
I cant stand to be more
annoying than I already am
I'll quit
Trying to be so perfect
It wasnt working
Anyway

Its another cold day in June
Colder here, without you
But she's keeping you warm
With all the everythings you two have
I wish the best for you both
Though I feel so alone
I'm better of knowing
Your happy

2003-06-01T22:31:00.000-04:00
Hardest Part

And my insides
were bleeding
There were ruby shards
Digging into my heart
My soul
I swalled those pieces
I swallowed them whole
And I've paid the price
and now I'm alone

But I've found something new
A whole new world
A world without you
I lived here once before
It just took me a while
Awhile to find the door

Though every second I ache
I ache to be there with you
At the same time I'm okay
I'm surviving, I'm not yet dead
I was close, but I pulled through
Long enough to see the light
That wasn't you

So I guess I love you
is just as I knew it seemed
a line of false wording
A slash through your heart
In disguise as a bandage
The three deadliest words around
And I fell for them
Believed them
Look where I am now
Exactly where you said
I'd never be
Well, I guess you lied
You lied to me

And I told you
I'd still hang on, drag on
Behind you, holding on
But I'm letting go
I have to, you'd never let me stay
And when you said you were trying
You also were pushing me away

I know me, I know myself well
and I'd still give you that chance
Another chance to make it work
I'm not handing it to you
You'd have to try
But this time I won't let you
I won't let you lie.

I'm coughing up these ruby shards
Back up onto the floor
The floor from which I picked myself up
off of, just a few moments before
My insides are bleeding, they'll start healing
I'm going to have to be without you
But the hardest part is knowing
You'll be happier without me.

2003-05-30T09:10:00.000-04:00
Over

I'm alone again
Going through this again
But this time its different
This time its over
It's over

I held on to what I could
Listened to you
Hoped you'd hold on to
But you let go
and no its over
its over

I reached out for weeks
You cut the string in seconds
and let me hit the ground
Bleeding from my chest
Where my heart used to be
Before it was over
Its over

You said you'd fallen in love
You fell back out
I'm sorry, I'm still here
I'm on cloud nine
with a knife in my hand
Crying tears but smiling
Thinking of what I used to have
And hating I wont have it anymore
Because its over
Its over

Now...
Now its defintaly
And most completely
Over
Someone help me..
Its over.

2003-05-26T22:34:00.000-04:00
Just Five Minutes

Is five minutes
Of pure happiness
Just a sin to everything
Is it so bad for me to have it
But those five minutes
Were good enough
Because I know
That is all that
I'm going
to get
AB 5/26/3

2003-05-17T16:44:00.000-04:00
Ta-da

Here I am
ta-da Still alive
Singing along to the little mermaid
And laughing as my chair spins

I'm eating some pez
Thinking about things
Trying to forget it all
I'm looking at lindale
Who's now fatherless
And humming a tune from my head

My stomach is hurting
And so was my heart
But the first one healed
and the seconds got a start

I'm wearing my favorite hat
Looknig at rocks that look like melons
Getting an email from an old friend
That lives in the town
Where I ususally am

I'm up here trying to survive
Catching myself
Escaping the stress
Thats already hunted me down
Looking at rose made of steel
How fragile it should be

But ta-da
I'm still alive
And maybe its not so bad
I'll keep jamming to disney
and go bake some brownies
and make what i've got worth while
At least...for a little while.

2003-05-17T00:02:00.000-04:00
Lead Me There

Oh sweet darkness
You never seemed so fair
And your acomplis
the knife
gleaming in his red eyed glory
Never seemed a closer friend
Leading me there
12:17am

2003-05-16T23:39:00.000-04:00
Shoot Me

I'm crying, The same as I've Done
Every night the past two FUCKING WEEKS
You don't understand
Your shooting me down
I get so happy to talk to you
I get news of HER
Of how yes, you do still love HER
after you already knew I was insecure
I know I asked for it
and i FUCKING HATE MYSELF for it
I've never wanted to DIE
More than I have at this moment
And all your wondering
is "do you really think i'm worth it?"
How can I change even if I think its not worth it
You told me at the beggining anything with distance
we would get through
and its WHATS TEARING US APART
that and my DAMN insecurity

The worst part of this all
is you dont seem to even be PHASED
by ANY of THIS
Your happy, your fine
Your lucky, you have the theatre
You have HER , cuz I'm not around
and soon she'll have YOU
and I'll be more alone than
I already AM

I've asked for all of THIS
Every single little FUCKING TEAR
I've never HATED myself more
I've never missed somoene so BAD
And having no clue whats really going in YOUR head
KILLS me more every second
As I think up my own ENDING
BELIEVE ME, you don't want to know about it
In case you know...you MIGHT have wondered.
I LOVED you, I'm LOSING you
You don't know it
But your drifting from me MORE EVERY SECOND.
Please come back...please?
(breaks down crying)
Please?

2003-05-16T21:37:00.000-04:00
Plastic Bag

I'm blowing in the wind
A leaf blown off its tree of security
I'm empty, I'm hollow
I'm just a lonely plastic bag
Screaming in the breeze

I'm getting tossed down alley ways
Alley ways called heartbreaks
Flying through the air
Landing under old ladies cars
Cars that want to crush my head
And remind me of how
Emotionally messed up I am

I see the little boy waving "bye bye"
As I up and go again
Another new wisp, another new wind
Blowing me down
Proving how stable I've become again

I need to be one of those lucky bags
The ones that find their place
Like in a super market store
I'd be filled with groceries
Then maybe I'd know what
It felt like to be whole
If only for a little while...

I'm rattling and shaking
Crazy insane floating
I'm just a little plastic bag
Lost in the real world parking lot
Just a little plastic bag

2003-05-16T21:17:00.000-04:00
The reason
You think I've changed
You think I'm different
You say its over, we're through
Did you ever stop to think
That maybe the reason I'm like this
Is well.......because of you?
9:19pm/AB

This poem was written to an old friend...a used to be friend...that probably won't ever read this anyway...

2003-05-14T22:50:00.000-04:00

I would like to tell you all that.....yes....this thing doesnt work...kehehe...its just there...to TAUNT you! *mwuahah*

2003-05-14T22:13:00.000-04:00
Why can't you understand...why wont you just grasp it?
Hanigng up the phone with you, I'm throwing it at the wall
You want to know why? Because, I'm tryign not to redial your number
After you've told me not to call so much
I'm trying not to dial your number and just burst into tears
To just burst into tears and scream
I just want to scream WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!
WILL YOU EVER?!
I just want to dial the phone
I just want to scream
"Why?! Why can't things be like they were?"
"Why cant you love me like you once did"
"why can't we have that love again?"
"wHY? WHY WHY WHY?!?"
"Why...why can't we just be alright...why.."

2003-05-13T22:56:00.000-04:00
Sorry to the few that read this, but at this moment, I dont think I could write a poem to express the intense and utter pain and despair I'm feeling. No poem could express how much I feel like I've died...adn currently wish to.

2003-05-10T16:58:00.000-04:00
Reaching Out

This is what its come to be
Everyone reaching
Reaching out to me
Wanting me to help them
When I'm still saving myself from me

A plastic bag is blowing in the wind
Like a tumble weed in the desert
I realize I'm relating to that blue bag
I know its feelings, I feel its pain
Pushed around by something it cant even see
Tossed to nowhere it even knows

I'm trying to cure your tears
Trying to fill the world with a smile
But at the same time here I go
falling down, strangled by my own denial
I'll get back up, with my left leg cut off
And my right arm dangling
Just to drag myself over to you
Make sure you arent crying

And everyone knows
That the sunshine will come out
Everyone says this could all get better
It will, without doubt
Too bad they're all the ones
Who still havent figured it out
They're the ones saying it to themselves
Hoping its really true

So I'm trying to put bread
In all these hungry hands
But I'm turning around to find more
More hands to feed than food I have
More emotions to brighten
Than happiness that I have
But reach out to me, I'll help you
While I'm still trying to fix me

I'm still searching for the answer
While giving advice freely
I'm the one pinned under this table of oppression
While helping others to be free
But this,
This is what it has come to be.

2003-05-09T23:51:00.000-04:00
Vacation

I need a vacation
From everyone else, and me
I need to get away
From the world and humanity
I need time to stop
For the world to just stop turning
I need to fade away
Use the shadows as my blanket
If only everything could stop
If only everyone would stop accusing
Maybe this would all work out
Maybe I'd be okay
I just need to get away
From everyone, everyone but you
The one person making me feel this way
Waiting 3 weeks to see you
Wasnt anything, I soon forgot all the torture
When I saw you just for 3 minutes
But now I need to get away
Now I know your gone
The only way for me to sort this out
Is for this all to stop
Well the world won't stop turning
Not even for a second
So I guess I'm just stuck here
Clinging to every minute.

2003-05-07T22:11:00.000-04:00
My Crystal Prism

It's lonely and cold
Crunched up in this crystal prism
Everythings so fragile
Anything could break

Perfection was the goal
I'll never reach it
I'll never be good enough
I'm sorry I didnt talk to you
I'm sorry I was to busy
Trying to save my own life

All I remembering is 4 hours ago
How i screamed, clawing at the wall
It was all wrong, nothing was right
I'm now teetering on the edge
Holding on to what I have left
Which is barely nothing at all

I'm feeling broken and cant reach the glue
I'm a glass vase needing to be stuck together
I'm a window thats been beat down
By a 3 year old with a baseball bat
A 3 year old with a thousand screaming faces
All telling me I'm not good enough

I'll never be good enough
Theres so many shades to this prism
So many reflections
Which one to make happy
They all reflect my failures
If only triumphs could show through too
Maybe I'd be okay
Maybe I'd finally be
Perfect enough for you.

2003-05-06T22:38:00.000-04:00
Forgive Me

You don't understand this pain
Every love song sang of you
Now I'm relating to heartbreak
I'm sorry if I'm so unimportant
Looking to be a slight something in your life
Forgive me

Silly of me to think, I know
that you'd want to talk to me
Sorry to have kept you from sleep
Six days with no contact,
thought I meant more than that
I thought different
Forgive me

I remember sacrificing for love
Felt on top of the world, floating
My ideas were shattered
My hopes and dreams marred
To think that you'd be there
To think that you cared
I wanted to be there
Forgive me

Maybe this is just a negative effect
The reasons those critics are so nit picking
Is this love, could it be
Or was this just another "really strong liking"
I loved you
Forgive Me

2003-04-29T22:35:00.000-04:00
Stephie

There she is
so beautiful
so fabulous
thats my stephie
I wrote this poem for her

She has curly blonde hair
She's in love with a jerk
The biggest sweetheart I know
is Stephie, my babe
I wrote this poem for her

She wanted lovely words
Just for her
so here they are
Stephie's an angel
she graces the halls
Her laugh lights up the room
And I wrote this poem just for her

She'll declare how she feels
thought it comes out like a song
She's perfect in ever way
Though she'll never agree
But I wrote this poem for her

She calls me sexy
I call her babe
Its our little "thang"
No one else could understand
And maybe thats just why
I wrote this poem for her

Night, night Stephie
She's off to dream a dream
And even in the havoc of this world
Maybe she'll still find time to remember me
Stephie dearest I wuv you!
Mwuah and Hugs to you
I wrote this poem, just for you.

2003-04-29T22:19:00.000-04:00
So Predictable

Do you even see her?
Is she more than just a body
Do Her love and her emotions
Mean anything to you?

We're having our doubts
we can see you, your translucent
A hollow body full of nothing
But hormones and disadvantages

Tell her she's pretty
Tell her why you like her
I'm sorry all I hear
is how you want her body

Though really its no surprise
you did just what we all knew
you were totally going to do
its so easy to see you play your game
when you're so predictable

She's been torn away from me
Things may never be the same
Just know it was your fault
Just know if you hurt her
I wont stay attatched to my shadows
I'll make you pay, I'll make you hurt

And it was so funny
you thought that I was missing you
Fuck you, I don't even think about you
She's in deep now though, I can't save her
Until you hurt her, she's out of my hands
But I'll be here for her, just like you'll never be

Maybe you do have some good intent
Perhaps you've a little good in you
But you'll still have your fun
Be like any other man
But we all knew what you were gonna do
You're so predictable

2003-04-28T22:11:00.000-04:00
The Silence

My world is silent
The phone line is empty
Ever since you hung up
I've lost my will to do anything more

Today I stood on the street corner
wind blowing my hair in my face
and all I could think of
was when you told me
I looked kinda pretty that way

I sit here and listen to the rain,thinking
about that time we ran outside to stand in it
and all the times we walked and shivered in it
I sent you that old song
I'd kiss the rain now, if I didnt see just the sun

And I hear that music that reminds me of you
the dashboard confessional songs that scream of you
makes me wish that I could rewind time
because during that moment, things were more than right

I looked at a map today
remembered that time we got lost
trying to find that doctors office
laughing as we found the way

I saw the most amazing stone
Its colors so astounding
but they were nothing compared to your eyes
Nothing compared to me getting to look into them
Nothing compared to you

And I see this ugly girl in the mirror
you make her sound so pretty, so perfect
how you love her I'll never know
she's so imperfect and torn
searching for hope, searching for you

Everything I see makes me miss you
That eye painted on the sign next to that office
and the little boy looking out the window
every little ounce of faith in me
makes me believe you've completed me

But no matter the memories
this worlds so quiet now
i can't hear you anymore
Miles away, you're sleeping
I'm still here, wishing for a glance of you
A word from you, a smile
But I've only got the silence.

2003-04-24T21:14:00.000-04:00
Faces of Tragedy

Staring into the distance
So quiet, so sheltered
Losing their minds
Losing their faith

It's always hard to walk alone
They've reached the end of the line
Everything is lost now
The last bombs have dropped now

Stumbling into the unknown
Nothing left but broken homes
A giant void of red and black
The blood so tainted
And memories gone

Funeral marches are just routine
As the mothers wipe tears away
and little sisters sit quietly
Wishing brother would come home today

Farewell to you my lovely earth
Where peace and love have never prospered
Not for long have they held hands
Now they're emergence is not expected
Anger and hate is too well protected

There they'll stand until they're gone
Their lovers and brothers not coming home
Goverments chose to fight each other
Leaving so many all alone
Leaving the earth scarred and hurt
While humanity suffers its own defense.

2003-04-24T09:33:00.000-04:00
We're alone

Your not something I can believe in
Our memories are fighting
Digging and bleeding
Leaving an unruly aftermath
Thats pulling us down

Its crawling into our skin
Its ripping out our bones
Its stealing our breath and words
Crying to bbe heard is useless
When we're both alone

You can't hold onto me
I'm letting go of you
Betrayal has pierced the last depth
That everlasting love had lived upon
Leaving our memories to suicide
leaving happiness to murder
We're alone.

2003-04-24T08:53:00.000-04:00
Haiku
Answers
And is there answers in pain
or just nothingness
how can we hope to hold on

2003-04-23T22:06:00.000-04:00
Helping hand that never existed

Here is the reasoning behind insanity
Why they lock some people up
Maybe my mind just hasnt been caught
Though this gets lonely as I get burned

My soul is crippled
A black smouldering hole in its place
Its swalling any sign of light
Love you've sent trying
Has died fighting

And to this world I've sent my doubts
You've lectured me, told me to ask for help
Said the world would always lend a hand
There was no hand when I was scared
A lonely child, no way to escape
Some other mans anger, frustration and hate
So where was your precious world then
When this little girl lost her dignity and pride

And this body left here on earth
Is tattered, torn, wearing thin
Smiles plastered on, faces burning
Crying each night, lost to my dreaming
Theres this little glimmer of faith
That I hope for, hold onto with each breath
Something that keeps me here, alive

Someone sew my pieces together
Maybe my shadow has wandered away
But its like me to get lost in fairy tales
Wishing peter pan could fly to me, maybe stay
Never land never sounded so good
Maybe thats why never was said
A land where the innocent didnt get hurt
A land where souls never got burned

Here I am, just locked up tight
a fragile mind, in a crushing fist
Tanged in my own straight jacket
Of emotions wripped, wrecked and ravaged
Alone I'll stand here in this corner
Awaiting a sign to dig myself out with
A shimmer of anything to help this girl live
To make her want to trust life again

2003-04-23T09:35:00.000-04:00
I got new stuff to put on here, but I, Zi, am to lazy, lol. I'll get it done soon.

2003-04-11T19:34:00.000-04:00
Okay so heres a story I wrote about a month ago that a lot of people seemed to like... (forgive the typos that I know are going to be typed, I'll fix them later)

She layed there looking at the cieling as tears silently flowed down her cheeks. They slid past her lips that were folded into a smile. Down on the floor next to the bed a knife lay, thrown down earlier in a hated happiness. It's silver blade still held heat from the warm thick blood that it had collected durng it's last use.
As time passed by she looked around the room about her. Her glazing focus stopped over at the small table next to her bed. Her eyes fell upon a small piece of paper lying next to her lamp and after a few moments she realized what it was. Her glace read over the phone number etched in pencil on it and the name written above that.
She recollected the day she'd gotten that paper quite well. That was the day when all of this seemed to start, when her world first came crashing down.
She had stumbled into him on the verge of tears and after a few moments she began to cry and he gave her a hug and patted her arm. She'd only talked to him a few times since she'd first met him and she was grateful for the comfort he was offering. After she was done sniffling into his sweater he walked away only to return with a small piece of paper. The one that now sat on her bedside table.
"Call anytime, during the day or even at 4:30am I'll answer and I'll always talk. I've been there too. Don't be scared to call," he had told her. She took the paper and smiled a thank you as she stuffed it into her coat pocket.
She could almost relive what she'd been thinking then, how she never thought things could get that bad and how even if somehow they did, she would use the little piece of paper and maybe things would get better.
As she reminissed about that thought, she smiled a rueful smile. Now that moment had come and the phone lay on her desk not but two feet from reach. But now, she did not intend to use that paper and she already knew it was most likely too late to save her anyway.
She'd always meant to find him and tell him thanks for caring that day, but she'd never gotten the chance. She leaned over and picked up a pen off of the floor and grabbed the paper from the table. With her last bit of strength she began writing slowly and neatly on the note. Blood fell from the gashes on her arm, flowing down to her hands and dropping onto the paper as she wrote. The small red dots almost looked like scattered tears crying over her words. She finished writing and lay back down, her strength spent.
She closed her eyes and unknown to the rest of the world she began to slip away. As her breathing slowed down the last remanents of her were held in the small paper lying next to her lifeless hand. There, under his number and name were the words "Tell him I said thank you."

2003-04-10T22:51:00.000-04:00
And I know you wont understand
But I thought three years
Meant more to you than this

I'm sorry I cant finish this,......I'm about to go curl up and cry...

2003-04-09T19:53:00.000-04:00
Hung up
The phone rang tonight
You weren't on the other end
But I didn't care anymore
So I hung up
-AB 4/9/3

2003-04-09T19:51:00.000-04:00
Reminds Me

And everything is fine and okay
The sun just didn't come out today
and you werent here, you werent around
to light it with your eyes
to bring the clouds down

But I heard your voice
Not too long ago
It lightened my spirits
Made my heart grow
It sang in its beauty
It helped me to try
Made love come back to me
It looked me in the eyes

But if I could, you know I'd be
Right there with you, you with me
I'd lay in your arms
I'd dream away
Wish thats where I could always stay
But I'll never dream, a dream so sweet
As being with you, and you loving me

And though the sun didnt come out today
And I couldn't see your eyes
Since you were so far away
I heard your voice, and it got me through
It reminded me of how, I do love you.

2003-04-04T21:52:00.000-05:00
*grumbles* damn story....

2003-04-04T21:44:00.000-05:00
"Here I am again,"she thought as she tapped one unpainted fingernail on the cement stair she was sitting on. The rain was heavily falling down, draping everything in a cold, wet blanket. A few stray droplets danced down past her eyes and mouth and her dark hair was damp and stringy, with a few random strands hanging in her face. Her coat was fighting off the water but it didn't look to be able to keep it at bay for much longer.
She could hear everyone inside yelling, screaming over some useless thing one of them had singled out and decided to argue about. She didn't want to go back in there, she prefered the comfort of the rain to the war torn atmosphere inside the house. The angry words floated out from inside and she cringed at every shrill cry, every raising of someones voice. When she heard the 5th crash of a dish against the wall, she couldn't take it anymore and ran off the step.
Into the night she walked, tired of everything and all the fighting. Water splashed around her worn sneakers and she pulled her coat tighter around her. She'd been okay with everything for awhile. It had all seemed bareable. She could ignore the fighitng at home, she could take it when it was pointed at her even. She was used to crying herself to sleep and applying make up to the bruises so nobody asked questions. But, that day, a week and a half ago, her world shattered. She saw herself relfected in a mirror of hope for only a minute before it was smashed by fates sledgehammer, causing the mirror pieces to fall over her like a rain of knives.
She had been in love, and she knew it. She was wrapped in its comforting blanket and it got her through those cold, painful nights at home, or when she slept at other houses when she was kicked out. She'd lay on someone's couch wrapped in a blanket just remembering..she ad him. But, that was slashed, all of it. Her blanket torn to pieces. On a cruel, sunny day he'd met her at their favorite spot to tell her things weren't working. To tell her that it wasn't right and he needed space. To tell her, he didn't need her. She closed her eyes at the memory, trying to shut it out. Her tears were invisible as they mixed with the rivers of rain that were already trailing down her pale face.
As she walked on she realized where she was after awhile. She was in his nieghborhood, almost near his house. She must had unconciously walked there, always used to making trips up there so often. She walked towards his apartment building and looked up at the balcony that she knew belonged to his home. Her heart leapt as she looked up at it, but it sunk again into a deep sadness.
"He loves me, I know it...he has too," she thought and wished in her mind. She was barely hanging onto life, her misery was taking over. She turned in disapointment and walked up to the curb. Just at that moment he walked out the door of his balcony and glanced down onto the street and saw her standing there. Regret rushed through him as he realized he did love her,and he needed her. His heart cringed as he thought of the pain he'd put her through. But just as he was about to yell to get her attention, to tell her how he felt from 6 stories up, she stepped out into the road without looking. She never saw the truck speeding over the limit directly at her. He screamed as the woman he loved and that blue speeding truck collided. He turned around in panic and back through his door to make his way down to the street.
It was a few minutes later. The traffic was stopped and the blue truck had met with a tree on the side of the road as the driver lost control in the sheer shock from his first impact with the girl. The truck had slid back into the road, causing a road block. The girl lay in the middle of the street her dark hair sprawled out around her in a pool of blood.
He reached the street, tears silently streaming down his face. He scooped her up into his arms, laying her blood soaked head into his lap, not caring about stainging his khakis. He looked down at her with a broken heart, he knew what was happening. She looked up at him wtih a confused look, her eyes were glazed and searching frantically.
"Don't worry, I'm here..I'm here," he comforted her as he brushed a stray hair from her damp face.
"I...I...I'm sorry. I love you. I know you dont-..." she started, but he cut her off.
"No, no, no, No! I love you...and I'm sorry I said those things the other day. I need you, I love you. We're going to spend the rest of our lives together. Your the one for me, so I need you to stay here with me okay? Don't leave me...oh god...please dont leave me," he finished as a flood of tears erupted from his eyes.
"I'm scared," she cried through fearful tears. "I dont want to be without you, I'll always be with you though," she stammered as her breaths got sharper and heavier.
"No, your going to be here..with me now. We're going to grow old together, and have little grandbabies," he told her, crying more as he leaned over and kissed her on the head.
"I...I love you," she whispered as her breathe ceased and her body lost the energy of the living. And the rain she found so comforting continued to fall, though failing to comfort his aching heart as he held her close to him, crying and asking why. All he could think of to say to anything or anyone, was to the rain.
"Why?!" he screamed up at it, "Why did you do this to me? She Loved you! She...loved you," he finished quietly as he sat there through the storm holding her body. And down, three blocks away at her home, the harsh words were broken and the screaming stopped as the phone rang with the only news that could have ever hoped to interupt it.
That night, the rain that had lived to be her blanket of comfort, and the love that sat along side it fought endlessly to ease the pain of those that were feeling it most that night. And the rain clambored down on that old cement stair where she was sitting, and in the midst of it all, five words seemed to be whispered.
"She'll never be here again."

2003-03-24T20:22:00.000-05:00
Where you live
I've seen you
Behind that curtain
Crying, alone
Won't let anyone reach you
Nothing but a silent whisper
In the mahem of this world

All you have is pretending
That stage is where you live
and I know you'll always be there
cuz it holds all you have to give
adn when I see you smile
its under suck make up and lights
Because acting is your home
And that will always be so

Happiness is rendered
Under each spotlight
memorized speech spoken
the same way every night
adn we never see you laugh
when the ghost like flickers on
you become a shadow again
until this show begins again

And here we are trying
to love this man behind the curtain
but his soul is on that stage
of its lines never tiring
adn we'd love to dance beside him
but he out glows the rest of us
and to hold onto him would be useless
if you don't like the stage

All you have is pretending
That stage is where you live
and I know you'll always be there
cuz it holds all you have to give
adn when I see you smile
its under suck make up and lights
Because acting is your home
And that will always be so

2003-03-19T21:07:00.000-05:00
Trapped

The world is getting smaller
In this dark box
In this corner
I'm fighting to get out
But the walls are tightening
And I'm losing strength fighting them
Its too late to fly away
No ones here to save me
I guess it ends today

Is it even worth it to scream?
No ones around to hear
I'm living, sadly, only really being
This train wreck of a life has derailed
Twice now and its going fast downhill
Towards a racing number three

And with this cold stone heart torture
With love reaching around every corner
Its fingers cold and mutilating my soul
Everytime it takes away its warmth
It so falsey seemed to advertise

So the windows were boarded over
The door is nailed shut
I'm stuck alone, this time forever
Its not looking too bright outside
Since outside no longer exists to me
My eyes are silent, my voice is blind
And I'm reaching out too you

Would you break in for me?
Tear this box apart for me?
Or leave me here, another memory
Another good time, a girl to leave
Knights in shining armor are in short supply
But thieves and fools are in the lot
Trapped in here, in my head
Inside this box

2003-03-19T20:03:00.000-05:00
JUST LIKE I HATE THAT POEM!

2003-03-19T20:02:00.000-05:00
Make it stop
My eyes hurt and I hate it
Make it stop
My tears are flowing
and I hate it too!
Mkae it stop
this pain that wont go away
I hate it.

2003-03-16T22:10:00.000-05:00
Reality is hard to grip
But jealously is harder to control
And I'm being irrational I know
But I can't help myself
I'm terrible, I want you
Want you, and for just myself
Jealously is darker than anything else
Its shrouding my vision
Making my hate myself.

2003-03-15T17:48:00.000-05:00
The Flower

As I walked down the street I breathed in the fresh, spring air. The ravages of winter still lay about, threatening to return. The cold fingers of snow drifts creeped out into grass patches, failing to over take them on the clear, warm day. Birds were chirping cheerily on branches and twigs in the nearby naked trees who were waiting anxiously for summer to return to them their crowns of leaves.
I walked on, and at that moment a small browned flower fluttered across my path. I picked it up, noticing that it was defintally last years flower. It's small fragile body was delicate but sturdy at the same time. It had endured months of savage snow fall and ice storms but still kept itself together. It was amazing that it had clung to itself so well through such hardships and still held together as it fluttered across the hard pavement of the road before I scooped it up into my hands.
As I peered down at this little wonder of nature, this little contradiction of itself, I admired its ability to be so delicate and breakable but still have the strength to see through such hardships.Then suddenly, I sneezed and every little petal on that flower blew off.
Written by AB 3/14/3

2003-03-05T22:05:00.000-05:00
Each day this horizon is darkening
And words are turned to knives
I'm getting stabbed with whispers
I'm clinging on for my life

This is the edge they call despair
this is nothing at its finest
Teetering on this verge of insanity
Pushes dreaming into a void

I just want to sleep
Sleep is my enemy
Contradicting myself
in every manner possible

And still your so far away
But a glimpse every other day
Where are you when I need you
When I feel lonely and unloved

Who's saving me from me?
I'm so greedy, so concieted
I need you to help me with
the one thing I should do

So this is what its like
The breeze of depression blowing
Whipping my hair into my eyes
Blinding me even further

This cliff it seems so high
Higher than I thought
Falling two feet down in frightening
When you know the bottom is the end.

2003-02-27T07:00:00.000-05:00
Fuck you
I hate you
You don't care about me
You wanna bring me down
Yeah well Fuck you
And your fucked up ways
Fuck you for getting in my face
You just wanna see me fall
So fuck you!
I don't need your shit
You obviously dont want mine
You don't want me aruond
You don't need me
You dont see me
Fuck you
Just, fuck you!
I'll crawl in a whole and die
and you won't care
Yeah, you won't care
So fuck you
I'll find someone that does
But you might bring them down too
Yeah, well fuck you for that
Fuck you for all this
Go away, I don't need you
Fuck You!

2003-02-23T11:07:00.000-05:00
There's another knife in my side
A burden in my mind
And the perfect little girl
In my mirror has seemed to falter
All the blood running from my eyes
Has begun to cloud my vision

I am wishing I was her
Even though your mine
I still never see you
She does all the time

Jealously is darker
Than any other strength
So weakness is breeding here
Lessening my defense

I'm leaning on memories
My crutches for this broken mind
They're what gets me through
I'll just remember
How you smile, how you laugh
And remember the sweetness
of the time I saw you last

2003-02-21T22:45:00.000-05:00
My eyes
Are searching
My heart
Is burning
My life
Is ending
Cuz my time
is spending
My words
are fading
My hope
is screaming
My dreams
are crying
My love
is reaching
My arms
are fallling
Because my need
is growing
My want
is yelling
My hands
Are grasping
at everything
and mostly you

2003-02-20T22:48:00.000-05:00
I'm not going to pretend
Like I'm good at this
Like happy poetry is so simple
I can right about bliss

Maybe I'll be cliched
and talk about the rainbow
How the earth seems to tremble
everytime you talk

I guess I could be the same
And talk about space and stars
And how I swoon at your name
But cliched is so..well, cliched
and I'm just not that way

So I'll write you an anti generic love poem
Origionality requested
I'll tell you how your so wonderful
Or even how I detest you
But I guess its still generic
Cuz I just want to say I like you

So maybe the earth doesnt tremble
But you make me smile
And though you might not be mr. perfect
Your jokes make me laugh anyway
And well thats all that matters
Is that you acutally need me

So heres your anti generic love poem
Thats still just quite the same
And all I really wanted to say
Was that I like you

2003-02-16T15:43:00.000-05:00
"Sissy?"
"Yeah Zac?"
"Whats a divorce? And why do mommy and daddy want one?" Zac questioned in a small voice as he shifted in his blankets to look at her.
"It means that mommy and daddy don't want to live together anymore, they don't love each other no more," Sissy replied quietly.
"Why is daddy so mad about everything?" Zac asked.
"Its cuz mommy wants him to pay Alo mony."
"Whats Alo mony?"
"Its not what its who," Sissy corrected him with her six years of wisdom.
"Who is it then?" Zac inquired, sitting up.
"He's a man daddy has to give money to now that they don't love each other anymore."
"I don't think Mr. Alo Mony should take daddys money cuz he doesnt love mommy," Zac stated boldly.
"Well thats just what happens!" Sissy told him as she layed down and turned over in frustration and they laid in silence for awhile.
"Sissy?"
"Yeah Zac?"
"What if mommy wants a divorce from...us. What if she doesnt love us no more?"
"She can't do that, we're her babies, she said she'd always love us," Sissy assured him, while getting nervous herself.
"Cuz I love mommy, I don't want a divorce from her, and I don't have any money to give to that Alo Mony guy," Zac sniffled.
"You can only divorce your wife or husband Zac, so it's all okay. Now, go to sleep cuz we have to go to see the judger in the courts room tomorrow with mommy and daddy."
"Is he the guy with the hammer?" Zac asked anxiously.
"Yes Zac, now go to sleep." Sissy ordered.
"Sissy, I love you. Don't divorce me ever please," Zac whispered as he curled up to sleep, his small four year old body huddled under blankets.
"I won't Zac, I wont," Sissy said.

2003-02-07T22:08:00.000-05:00
So tonight I talked with the stars
Over imagings of love and life
They smiled and winked at me
Telling me I'd be alright
As they wrote your name
And shined it in my eyes

My shoes have done the living
These past few weeks and days
My mind and heart have wandered
Into memories of you and me
So I guess that causes problems
To the issue of life at hand

I'm waiting for you to say
This little time is killing me
Absence isnt making
Your heart grow fonder
Especially not for me
Just for someone else

But as the stars grew dim
and they're words turned to whispers
I bid them all good morning
And dreampt away of you

2003-01-21T17:42:00.000-05:00
It's so easy for me to just stare
At your picture and at dreams
Holding your presence, your grace
There is no uncertainty
On either face this time

To see you sleep is Magic
Your glowing with reasons
Of fairy tales and love songs

(not done yet)

(another un done one)

Its always cold
When your not here
And its always quiet
If I cant hear your laugh
And life glows bright
When I see your smile

So if you could wait a day
Maybe another or three
We could be together
If only for an hour
You'll be here with me

2003-01-06T21:12:00.000-05:00
Everyone is silently
Contemplating death
The skull upon the wall
Must have sparked
This morbid enlightenment

A week ago last tuesday
Happiness was the trend
But since a week ago last year
Tragic death stood high and mighty

Razor blades, guns and pills
Are all in large supply
Industry keeps the numbers high
So population is low

Are they weeding out the weak
a genocide unto itself
Everyone is playing Hitler
In this judgemental holocaust

In darkness they live
Wanting and fearing death
Inside their souls are screaming
Jumping with unrest

Pile bodies up high
Burn them, you don't mind
Those little sinners are condemed
To go burn in the hell you've created

You watch them slide down the line
Pick out the little mistakes
Revive the fake cheery and pretty ones
They really do want to live

So last week it was her daughter
This week it was his son
IN this army of suicide brochures
Tomorrow your kid could be the one

Life is just so fair, we know
Your life reflected in a knife
Another soul trapped in the blade
Cold and stained with blood

Today she wrote her epitaph
As she contemplated death
Today she chose her weapon
Along with all the rest

2003-01-05T13:01:00.000-05:00
Sun's glistening
off the feather white blanket
snow settled here
The tree's know nothing
of summer's distant words

And the trees know nothing
of you and your words too
I can hear them whispering
in this distance filled with silence

I wandered in dreams
Of an ice covered land of nothing
Nothingness of no love, no care
This blanket is making me cold
But you're not here to know

Superheros can't bring my feelings
for you back to this lonely city
Nothing can save what once was
It's gone and ruined, it died and rotted

Tomorrow the snow melted
With my feelings and patience
The blanket revealed my thoughts
and the tree's know what I've to do
Summer's words are not so distant
To me anymore.

2003-01-04T23:59:00.000-05:00
I'm tired
I'm sleepy
I'm unrested
I'm engeryless
I'm lethargic
I'm bushed
I'm ready to crash
I'm groggy
I'm fuzzy
I need sleep.

2003-01-04T23:52:00.000-05:00
Poles on snow
His coats a pantry
The other is the silent type
Chair lift killers
Twisted our ankles
I want another frito

Forest pathes
and patient waiting
Sore heads and ankles inflating
Chair lift killer at our backs
It knocked us over
Ouch

Arguements on nothing standard
Jumping and dare devil deals
Odds of winning, losing to f un
A little unorthodox, its easy to admit

Then night ended
Snow kept falling
the clock kept ticking
And you guys kept walking
The fire crackled
It ended like that

2002-12-22T09:57:00.000-05:00
Last night I dreampt of orange juice
and talking to horses too
But the only thing that made sense
was when i dreamed of loving you

Thats all I have for that poem, but yeah, I seirously did dream of all those things last night, lol.

2002-12-12T21:49:00.000-05:00
Everythings driving my mind insane
I'm wondering at you, blinking at your name
The power of everything so intense
Extreme wonderings in my head

I'm biting my nails
And screaming injustice
Wishing I could just end all this
Too bad this is all my fault

So much fury, so much misery
Tragic anger at singed luck
An angry fued over someones love

Stop attacking me, I'm so lonely
Is life going to always be like this
I'm sorry the burden is me this time
And I'm sorry I dont want to call you mine

My minds so angry, ideas so frantic
I cant say what i came here to say
I wish this hole had never been made
But what if's have only failed me before

2002-12-06T21:32:00.000-05:00
This one is me just kind of ranting

Life is not what it seems to be
and niether are you
Everything I thought was so true
Has boldy changed to lies

So hard for me to understand
Why your saying the things you do
So tough for me to really know
What is its you want from me

Two weeks gone by and you've changed
So little time for a great disaster forming
Here I am, I'm still the same
Is that okay, prince charming?

I'm not cinderella, I'm not snow white
I'm just not a damsel in distress
I'm just a little lost torn girl
looking for the fabled word romance

I talk to loud, I talk to much
Thats something no one ever wants
So does that mean I'm just another toy
Thrown into your past life's dust

Would anyone like to save me?
I'm burning in this confused hell
I'm forever burdened to have loved once
And lost to never love again

All I want is for you to care
I just want someone to ask me
"Hey how was your day?"
That isnt my best friend or mom
Is it only them that ever realize
Oh, Yes, she does exist!

I'm ranting, raving, dancing, hating
All of my confusion, hate, frustration
Scream, Screaming, SCREAMING

2002-12-04T22:49:00.000-05:00
Pages turning with crashes
Oceans flowing in feathers
I stumbled in on your big dinner
with wind chapped lips and torn hair

So are you just gonna say
You asshole your in my life
But keep me another day
Are they quietly cornering someone
My other half in paticular

Your crying in cold misery
And I'm getting my boots wet
Theres mud, theres spilled beer
And the whole worlds temperment

So are you just gonna say
You asshole your in my life
But keep me another day
Are they quietly cornering someone
My other half in paticular

A life in a television set box
Complete with instructions
Your everything by the book
Let me burn the pages for you
Then maybe it wont be as bad

So are you just gonna say
You asshole your in my life
But keep me another day
Are they quietly cornering someone
My other half in paticular

Hats blowing in the wind
Enemies crying in the clockwork
Your spitting on eternities fire
Wishing it would kill you

So are you just gonna say
You asshole your in my life
But keep me another day
Are they quietly cornering someone
My other half in paticular

In Particular, In Particular
M other half In you.

2002-12-04T22:05:00.000-05:00
Quietly the world is fading
Its winking in its silent twilight
Happy to leave its crying day visions
for the serenity of death

My feelings agree with it
The earth and I both wanting
To bad its leaving me behind
And smiling as I'm crying

My last thread was cut
Fates sharp's scissors at hand
Sorry I could have almost loved you
But that never quite works out

So alone I'm dancing
Goodbye world waving
Sudden disasters blanket me
Good bye world, good bye

2002-11-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

Everything Romantic as we looked at the stars
Singing that song we heard at the punk show
I could care less if world faded away
Just as long as I had the patch of grass
The night sky, and you beside me

I'm Standing In the porch lights glow
Wondering if I'll See You Again
Will I ever know
If you care like you say you do

I'm left here remembering
The time we slow danced to that rock song
Our footsteps on a different beat
Will it stay that way forever?

Again I want to know
Is this pointless and inexcsapable
Just like everyone else's love
A tv show on thier reality games

Old pop songs and insane giggles
Long telephone discussions
Pointless information noted
And crazy things admitted

Its all so mad
This is all so crazy
Lovely killer ugly
The stars are singing
The world is yelling
And we're here smiling.

2002-11-02T22:38:00.000-05:00
I'm Going to leave you to your heart break songs
Your saddened poetry razor blades
I'll sprint away from your manipulation
Of that song you sang of pain

The telephone is ringing
Sending shudders through the house
Everyone knows the other end
Is holding my living hell.

Your eyes popped like pop corn
A little uneasy now I'm free
I see you stand a little closer to the wall
Everytime he comes near me

Broken bits of plastic
Cd cases thrown at your head
You never want to listen
Until its you that winds up dead

So the wind is raining
and the rain is blowing
The world is upside down
Your smiling and I am stuck
Where you shackled me the night before

You could never save me
You only added to my anger
He has the key
No longer do you own it
You've lost the pointless fight
Give up the crown and go.

2002-10-30T20:33:00.000-05:00
I'm...

I'm standing in the breeze
Of exhaust fumes
Turning to fog over
Grass thats turned to pavement

I'm wading through the river
of steamy blood and religous differences
flowing from the bodies dead from war
Little souls with tattered lives
Trying to earn brownie points for the next one

I'm Whispering in the ears
Of the goverment leaders
All the ones that disrespect you
Because your the flesh that they feed upon

I'm dancing in the fire
Of hate thats always burning
I see you in it too
Side stepping on all the coals
of peoples souls that used to be pure

I'm stomping on all the glass
shattered from the windows
of babies nurseries and play rooms
broken by the kidnappers with the twisted views
They only want your baby too

I'm living in the past
The only place where its comforting to go
The drugs of the 60's are more safe
than walking your dog on a monday evening
Pepperspray is mans new best friend

I'm realizing the truth
Throwing darts at the posters
With fake happy people smiling
Nothings alright in this world
Grit your teeth and try to hang on

I'm running away from the end
And back towards the begining
When the sun was shining
Now the skies are dark
the clouds are made of drugs
People are just animals biting to survive
That are scared of the torn seam of life.

2002-10-30T20:05:00.000-05:00
Again Your Together

Your all in black
its a cry your own tears affiar
maybe if you could of gotten along
it wouldnt have come to this
we wouldnt all be here

so we're all gathered together
and i'm sorry your all crying
at least i got the family
back together someway

my pathetic dream come true
the one and only thing i've done
for each one of you
this was just not my style

i'm watching you gather
complementing outfits
remembering old times
its just to bad
to get this again
I had to die.

2002-10-19T20:27:00.000-04:00
Gone From Your Lives

I'm the little ghost in the corner
Everyones little past mistake
I'm the one that turned you away
So hidden behind your coat

I giggled, You glared at me
I return to my shadowed state
Are you leaving me with envy
That never existed in the first place

I'm standing Here, I'm screaming
You eyes are turned away
Look around with your hands
Can you feel my misery growing?

I'm so confused, look at me i'm fading
I'm the enity of non existance
My initials dangling from my wrist
Fell off as I drifted from this

Never did you pick them up
Just kicked them to the side
Can I have just one last hug
Before I'm hidden again

2002-10-19T20:17:00.000-04:00
Everytime You break my heart
Another Memory breaks to pieces
Happiness gets renamed Sadness
And the lonliness leaves me strengthless

The Flower that you gave me shattered
As it dropped onto the floor
The broken petals cried their losses
No love to hold them together

Your Playing Musical Chairs
With each of my emotions
Your running wild in your freedom Quest
The journey to break me

Your screaming about metal on skin
Some horror picture freak death
No one's dying here, except me
Your accepting things without the pain

So in each Tear drop
Each pounding fall
I hear the drumbeats of each laugh
You mustered out at each glance of me

Leave the love letters
To devouring flames
Tear the phone calls into pieces
Brush off your clothes and walk away

2002-10-18T21:05:00.000-04:00
Please dont mind
If i hold onto the bottom
of your clothes
If I just drag behind you
Watching You, walk away

One day, I'll find who I need
My walls of indepence will fall
showing me, loving you
If only I could stare them down

Is it wrong of me to look away
To wander off in my thoughts
Walking on they're broken seams
Leaveing you, Watching me

I'm sighing with images of you
Dancing with clouds of being
I ate the shards of glass
Shattered on the floor from my heart
Ripping my throat
My realization with the pain

Your carried me away
The frozen rain making us smile
We'll sit sick together on my couch
Royals of all the tissue mountians
As long as I'm with you
I'd give anything for a tissue pettycoat
and Diamonds made of cough drops.

2002-10-18T12:45:00.000-04:00
Little Fairy

The rain is falling
On our parade agian
We've left our messages
On the phone machine unanswered

So we left our bounderies
and rules behind
Our theories here to fade
Things unwanted anyway

All we need is each other
adn maybe some coffee
Two names in a telephone book
Together and awake at 3am

You madef aces through the window
Threw my stuffed teddy bear down the stairs
down the stairs
So twisted in that way I love
We'll always dance through that fire

So our car broke down in the maze of no where
You just laughed and played
I'll always cry at the irony
I could never turn and walk away
Your my little fairy.

2002-09-27T22:02:00.000-04:00
How can you just sit there and smile
While I tear at my mind
Wishing it would melt away
I'm screeching in insanity
My eyes you loved are crying
My heart you held is breaking

I'm stomping on the broken glass
the broken glass of a fragile mind
That used to be so strong.

2002-09-27T21:49:00.000-04:00
Wonder, Wondering
Do you ever want inside my head
My little cage is cornering me
Cage me, Caging Me
I'm standing here holding my breath
Drowning in my own tears
Drown Me, Drowing Me
My Screams are silent
No one is hearing, or caring
Scream, Screaming so loud
I'm just helpness inside of here
All hands that reaching out are gone
Leave Me, Leaving Me
No one understands this sadness
Its burning away at me
Burn, Burning
You can't see me
I'm fading away from you
Fade, Fading
Thats all I'll ever seem to do...

2002-09-27T21:38:00.000-04:00
depression sucks...

2002-09-27T21:37:00.000-04:00
I'm sorry if I'm not what you thought I was
That I'm just the misfit you tried not to see
I didnt mean to break your heart
Forgive me for being what I am

I saw your heart tear inside of you
The tears you didnt want me to see
All I could do was hug you
Trying to look past your walls
Into something a little more invisible

Everything is now so different
Whats said is said and now its over
Could it be for better or for worse
The end might not be forever
Dont let that ruin all of our future

I'm wandering here in shock
Nothing's clear when the worlds made of smoke
all you thought true has turned into lies
Maybe forever doesnt even exist
At least is gone, in the view of my eyes..

2002-09-23T21:54:00.000-04:00
everyday someone dies
and you feel no empathy
until its you thats dead
and no one ever cares
about our countries freedom
until they take it away
only after that winking
building fell that day
no one tried to treasure
the lives behind the window panes
as long as your colonly of drones
makes your cult work
casulties of hundreds
is never your loss
until its your life cut short
and as you watch your children play
youl ok at them and say "Tomorrow"
but if by tradegy, the dont see that day
your filled with all your sorrow
think of all the times you told them "tomorrow"
As you drove past that car crash
did you even wonder
that could have been
some small childs mother
flashing back to think
that could be you or your lover
so when your on top of the world
look out for those below
one day they're gonna be
the ones to show you
what dirt in your face
truly really felt like.

2002-09-23T21:50:00.000-04:00
Forgiven never
in your cold heart
a word softly spoken
seemed to rip you apart
forever hate me inside
one littel reason
Couldnt fight back, I tried

Would you forgive
something you couldnt change
give the rest of me a chance
or will you shun all of me away
i miss understood
I was so blind
to think you'd love me
for the rest of time

I can't love someone
who won't love me
you have to accept
my past completely
live in the future
or let go now

9/2/02

2002-09-23T21:48:00.000-04:00
cry for your memories
hate yourself for not saying goodbye
everyone wishes they had a time machine
well those dont exist
so your stuck in between
middle of smiling and hating

cigarettes on the ground
beer bottles in the sea
Polluting everything you need to live
you did, now you'll die
Dont balme it on anyone but yourself

smiley faces and anarchy signs
share the same charm bracelets
patriotism becomes the trend
after everyone is dead.

2002-09-07T18:36:00.000-04:00

Opened my eyes to the sunlight this morning
My thoughts opened up to you
I smiled in my sleepy dillusion
that you were standing by me
But realizing that was in the days to come

My dreams tumbled with you
And as I get more tired and weary from sickness
Your picture settles my headaches and sorrows
I'll carry myself though the knives of confusion
To make it to where you stand

Sometimes I thought I lost you
That you were so far from me
Salvaged my sanity for those five minutes
To come back to the blinking clock
The enemy of time

I watched the town fade away
as the car kidnapped me of home
I'll be back, just not today
I just keep thinking that I'll be in your arms again
The one place where I feel safe.

2002-09-06T21:25:00.000-04:00
What does it take
For me to prove I love you
What does it take
For me to prove I make mistakes?
What does it take
To make you not upset anymore
What does it take
To show you, your what I smile For
What does it take
To let you know how much I care
What does it take
For me to gain your trust
What does it take
For me to be who you need

2002-09-02T11:01:00.000-04:00

I'm confused
I dont know what to think
anymore. I thought I'd found
my anwers cringing at they're
questions. I wanted to figure out
How you effected me.But I just
ended up, leaping into infinity
wondering why your not there.

I'm tired
Of all the shallow faced people
living in disgust. I'm screaming
light much too dark to see. My hands
wilted after days of waking hours
thinking of you. They're crumbling
to dust and only hoping for you.

I'm Sorry
For the things I never said. I should
have said and need to say. I messed
up my life by telling you my past. So
wrong of me to trust how you would
react. Terrible of me to assume anything
maybe I can fix this mess that I've made. One
day you'll realize i can be who you see.

2002-09-01T22:22:00.000-04:00

Is it so wrong of me to care
About someone as perfect as you
I'll never live up too
What you believe me to be

I've never been the one to live
Where someone wanted to see me
For what I was, Who I was
I was they're mirage

The pain has lifted
I can see through the haze
No need for me to cry

But one day will you see
Some other girl just as perfectly
Want her to have as yours
Leaving me alone and empty

I'll dance into your dreams
Be the one to show you the stars
Look at the night sky and smile
I'll be there in your heart